Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in elton_jr_indy's LiveJournal:

Thursday, October 25th, 2007
11:53 pm	olay I lied It hasn't been a year, but rather amost two years.  I had to go back through my brain and try and redicsover my old password.  If anyone is out the, please note that I am also on myspace.  That is my more consistently used communitcation site.  That is all.  (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
5:33 pm	I know I know It seems like once a year I make an appearance just to let everyone know that I'm not dead. That's got to change. Some of the people kind enough to visit me here are my all time best friends. You guys are people who changed my life (generally for the better). I'm gonna' check up. I'm gonna' do the things I should. I swear. Mostly now I go to a myspace.com account. Ali and all of her friends have one so it's easier for all of us to talk. Also my baby sis is there. I'm up to the task of the back and forth though. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
7:47 pm	I haven't been on here in many moons. If anyone who knows or cares is out there, then please let me know. Things here are good. They are fair. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 5th, 2004
2:26 pm	I'm here. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
6:49 pm	today as any other day I find myself sitting in my den listening to Tori Amos. I amze myself that I have a den. I am also amazed that I'm lilstening to Tori. Ali is playing the CD, so I have an out there. You know, there was a time when I listened to Tori Amos and just wanted to slit my wrists on general principal. Not today though. I am drinking a rum and Coke and I am generally happy. I am sitting in the den because Ali was in the kitchen and I wanted to sit somewhat near her, while trying not to bother her. She has been paying bills and so I want to leave her and her concentration intact. It is an odd feeling to know that I would rather be sitting in a room next to this girl while she's paying bills than almost anywhere else or with anyone else. Of course I exclude present company. Erin you are one the coolest and kindest people on earth. Ash you are cooler than belief too. Guys don't forget that. I may travel to Bloomington on Saturday, but I haven't made my mind up yet. Much love, Peter (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
11:24 pm	the other night The other night, night before last actually, I told Ali some things about me. She siad that I'd seemd distant for a couple of days and she wondered if I was alright. Even before thatwe had been talking in the car. She apologised for bringing up wanting to gat a kitten. She's brought it up over and over to me. When she apologised I started to think about the kittens I've had in my life. There have been many. Dozens when I was a kid. Some grew up to be old and wisened neightborhood cats. Many went their own ways, deciding that living with humans wasn't all it was cracked up to be. One crawled into the refrigerator when our babysitter looked in there to get something. The kitten was let out I don't know how many hours later and it died. But in the car I came across an unresolved question in my brain. There was a litter of kittens that we were not equipped to handle. My father decided that we should go down to Fall Creek and drown them. If you drop them off at the humane society, it absolves you of responsibilty but the animal will die in six business days most of the time. I remember being driven down to the creek (I was perhaps thirteen years old) and sitting in the car. I remember my sister Annapleading with dad not to throw them in. I cannot remember whether they ended up being thrown into the river now. They may have been one of the innumerable littlers of cats that passed through our home. They may not have been. I told Ali that I couldn't remember whether we'd thrown kittens into the river and she said she felt sick. Later that night she wanted to know what I was thinking and why I was so distant. I felt obliged to lay it all out. Well, still oddly enough nnot all, but close enough. I talked for hours about my family and my friends and most of the things that plague me. If none of you have noticed, I have an overactive sense of loyalty. I tend to take responsibility for things that I have no control over, and although I don't keep in touch with my family nearly as much as I should, I have an overactive sense of paternalism with my younger siblings. So I laid it all out for her that night. You know what? She listened She listened actively to me although I could hardoly look at her. She listened to everything down to my morbid obsession with suicide. At that she said that she understood. I know that she at least understands the visceral idea behind it, what it feels like to be driving down the road and catch yourhands on the wheel. Part of you wants to know what people's reaction will be when they find out that you've slammed head first into a bridge abutment and died. Part of you wants to know whether anyone will be at the funeral. When she told me that she had thought these things, I smiled. I smiled because she said, "When I had thought these things," which implies that she doe3sn't really think about them any more. I also smiled because I know that we've connected on a different level that we'd ever done before. Down and dirty. Let's talk about death. PTSD anyone? It was good. It was cathartic. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 12th, 2004
10:58 pm	darkness falls I always feel somewhat unnerved talking about depression. Self-expression is the best way to deal with these feelings, I've found. I can't do it at home. Not now. I know that Ali loves me deeply. I know that my discussion of this is welcomed. She wants me to share everything that I am with her. I can't. I don't want to trouble her. No matter how much somebody says they want to know, they really don't want to know everything. I want to describe my feelings and thoughts briefly. I'm not sure if these episodes are really depression, but it is a generic term I use to describe my brain function. First, I am tired, but I cannot sleep. I am worn thin and threadbare. It has nothing to do with the amount of work I am doing. I am not overworked for once in my life. Then, I am hot. Not sexually. I'm not sure if anyone else would notice it to see or talk to me, but inside I feel like I'm running a degree or two hotter than I should. Like something molten is moving from the inside out. There is also a physical sense of disproportionality. For an example anyone can relate to I'll explain grocery stores. I will be walking down the aisle at a grocery store, pushing my cart. I look down into my cart for just a moment. When I look up in these times the aisle seems twice as long as when I started to walk it. The shelving seems higher and I feel smaller. Sometimes The shelving seems bent as if seen through a fish eye lens. The initial moment I notice this I am distraught. Fortunately, I have felt this way enough that I see it for what it is. It is not an accurate reflection of reality. Sometimes my teeth feel loose. I know they are not. Years of orthodonture have seen to their excellent placement. I do need to have them cleaned though. When these moments hit me, everything takes on new meaning until I can filter it though imperically. Do I want a cat? Do I want to go to New York? These are innocent questions. They can feel like attacks. They, for just a moment, seem to question my responsiblity, my abilty to care for myself. My worth. I become overwhelmed. Things that are not overwhelming wind up with every past failure and every loss. Ryan's suicide. Braden's suicide. Joe's suicide. In these moments everything bubbles up. Everything is out of proportion. Imagine your psyche as the surface of something thich that is boiling. Pasta sauce. It's thick, viscous. The bubbles seem to rise from nowhere and break the surface. The sauce spatters. Bubbles all around disrupt what what was peaceful. I am eleven years old sometimes and I stand at the door of my grandmother's home. I have four younger siblings in tow. My brother Stephen is in my arms. My mother has driven away. Another bubble just now to the surface. I know that these things were beyond my control. I have resolved myself to that, I think. There are other things which are too morbid to share here, where anyone can read. I save those for myself. I've blown enought steam off here. The pot has been removed from the heat. I am not boiling anymore. Peter (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 20th, 2004
9:50 pm	How to make a elton_jr_indy Ingredients: 3 parts mercy 3 parts humour 3 parts energy Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add lustfulness to taste! Do not overindulge! Username: Personality cocktail From Go-Quiz.com Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 17th, 2004
6:25 pm	mad props to JKR Oh god. I'm writing on this thing for two days in a row. Okay that's because I actually have internet access again on a consistent basis. I have to 'fess up to a horrible addiction. No, not the booze, the cigarettes, or the black tar heroin I've become so fond of. I can't put down Harry Potter. I thought all of my friends who were singing J.K. Rowling's praises had gone nuts. I was wrong and I admit it. Just had to get that off my chest. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
10:32 pm	life update Good evening to you all. I'm just giving a little bit of an update on where life is taking me. I'm working for a liquor distributor, which is cool. I often drive to Terre Haute. That drive is not cool. I've been at the job since March 1. I've changed my living arrangements. I'm still in Indy, although I'm not living with my brother Nick anymore. It's for the best. I've moved in with my girlfriend/best friend/probably love of my life, Alison. Erin, if you read this, then I'm telling you I want to see you again. Please look up the song " Come to Boston in the Springtime". Ashley, I miss you. Kate, I miss you too. Call me DAMMIT! I'm taking "Hot Topic off my activities list. I'm damn near 27...far too old to show my face in that store. I know that age is just a state of mind, but I'm chronologically old enough to have fathered some of the kids that shop there. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
4:14 pm	Okay. I just got done writing a long and heartfelt blog about how things are changing in my life for the better. I spent like a half hour on it and it all crashed and burned to make the Hindenburg look like a campfire. I'm not willing to write all of that out again. To quote Indigo Montoya, "I will tell you. No, there is too much. I will sum up." I got the real job that college graduates are supposed to get. I start monday and am apprpriately stoked about it. My uncle died, but that's not bad. Don't say you're sorry to hear about that. "So it goes." I love Ali. I spend a lot of time with her and wish only that I could spend more time with her. She went with me to the funeral and had to meet my family there, which is daunting and potentially disastrous. She was amazing. I needed her there. That's all. I'll blog again soon. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
2:48 pm	maybe I'm different Today something crossed my mind. It's something that scares me a bit. I could truly live without anyone. All of the love songs I've listened to and written, every lovelorn poem I've seen has been about having someone that you absolutely, positively could not live without. Ali, although I'm fairly sure that I love her, I could do without. Mom, Dad, and all my siblings I could live without. I can parse through my list of friends, most of whom I don't have any meaningful contact with anymore, and though it would be painful I could let them all fall away. Of course I don't really want that to happen. It would be uncomfortable. It would hurt and in some cases (I count all of you who would read this in the next category) it would hurt a lot. I feel cold. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
1:30 pm	disappeared I know that it has been five weeks since my last entry. I ended up losing cable internet access at home and am currently writing from the local library. I hope that my disappearance went noticed, but havew no grounds to base that idea on. I've been very busy also. Please ask me about my life and its fun and profit. Peter (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 25th, 2003
10:14 pm	I have a tradition on Christmas night. I go by myself to a movie. Tonight I drove to one of the megaplexes on the north side of Indianpolis, but I didn't go in. The thought of being around all those other people made me very uncomfortable. I was petrified. After being with my family all day I just wanted to be alone. Being that no place in town is open on Christmas, I was left with few options. I'd gorged myself on food at my mom's house, so I didn't want to get a table for one at a Chinese restaurant. I decided to go to a small atheatre hidden behind the mall. It's called Castleton Arts Theatre and they play movies that don't draw large audiences. I went into the theatre for the first time tonight. The lobby doesn't have whirring and humming video games. There weren't any gabbing pre-teens, which was refreshing. Instead, there are small tables with cafe styled chairs, there are sofas around a low glass coffee table. I sat and read books about Brando, Clark Gable, and behind the scenes looks at the movie industry. I decided to see "Lost in Translation". It was a good choice. I got a seat at the very back of the theatre. That's where I always like to sit when I'm alone. I got the best seat in the house with a large drink and the most insanely huge tub o' popcorn I've ever seen. I still have about 4/5s of that popcorn left after picking at it consistently for two hours. It was good. The movie itself is fantastic. I highly recommend it. The themes of alienation and loneliness are prevalent throughout. I don't know whether or not I would call this a sad movie, but there were profoundly sad moments. Likewise, I'm not sure if this will be classified as a comedy, but there are many funny scenes. The most satisfying thing about the movie was that the characters were raw and exposed. They were intimate towards one another in a way that I hadn't seen before in movies. I have a new favorite actress. Her name is Scarlett Johanson. My only mistake tonight may have been to see a movie that deals with alienation when I so easily feel alienated. Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Monday, December 22nd, 2003
11:50 pm	stolen 1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 2. Am I lovable? 3. How long have you known me? 4. What was your first impression? 5. Do you still think that way about me now? 6. What do you think my weakness is? 7. Do you think I'll get married? 8. What makes me happy? 9. What makes me sad? 10. What reminds you of me? 11. If you could give me anything what would it be? 12. How well do you know me? 13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 14. Do you think I could kill someone? 15. Describe me in one word. 16. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 17. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? 18. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you? Yes I stole this from miss Erin Cory. Sue me. I am incapable of originality all the time. There is nothin new under my sun. I take that back. I did get Christmas cookies today. Current Mood: calm (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2003
11:29 pm	Scattershot Thoughts Forgive me. I've been thinking a lot. When I think a lot I often feel them bouncing off of one another. Imagine a water molecule as it reaches boiling temperature. The atoms move faster and faster. At a certain point it loses that cohesiveness, those bonds that keep water as a liquid. In the same way, when my thoughts race they tend to lose that cohesiveness. I tend to ramble. I've been writing new music. Some of it is a touch obsessive. That is not by accident. I've been listening to REM and Damien Rice a lot recently. My favorite songs have tended to be obsessive in nature. I am still working on this, but feedback is appreciated. I can still taste you on my lips Your scent is in my sheets tonight I'm holding mem'ries of former fantasies Arms around me holding me so tight I can still see you on my bed Admiring every single curve Feeling every breath you take You electrify my every single nerve Chorus: I just need one more moment Please give me one more sign We just need one more chance to Tear down the bonds of time I've loved every moment of you I can't wait to touch you once again To hear your gasping breath And fall into sultry skin That's all I've got so far. I don't know whether I've pushed too far with the lyrics. Current Mood: pensive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 19th, 2003
3:39 am	here we go I just got my first full day off in months. I worked on music, practicing scales on guitar until that bored me terribly. I also learned Damien Rice's song "Volcano". It has a very personal meaning for me, so I was happy. I also had a marathon session at the gym. If you haven't seen me lately, then I look different. I weighed in at 189 today. To celebrate I went and bought new and smaller clothing. 5 more shopping days 'til Christmas. That is all. Current Mood: cheerful (6 Comments |Comment on this)